Friday, April 12, 2013

Truth Vs. Lies

No one gets it. 
No one understands what I'm going through. 
No one cares about me. 

Postpartum Depression is trying so hard to rear it's ugly head in my life once again.

My pregnancy with Engineer I was worried everyday that it would happen again. But I managed to have my fourth babe with nothing more than a few days of sadness. This pregnancy with Bean was even more worrisome. The whole pregnancy was eerily similar to that of my pregnancy with Monster. I was terrified. When Bean was born I waited. The next day I waited. The next week I waited. When she was three weeks old it started creeping back in to my mind.

All the old lies. 
All the old insecurities. 
All the weight of the past and looming future was right there waiting to take over.

As hard as I fight to fill my mind with truth, surround myself with uplifting messages the lies are right there, waiting. I reach out to others looking for reassurance and comfort, but their words are twisted somewhere between their mouths and my heart. My dear, sweet friends are encouraging me and telling me I can do this mom thing and this life thing. My distorted mind hears new lies.

Everyone thinks you are perfect and have it all together. 
Fine. 
Let's show them I can do it all on.my.own. with a smile on my face and a skip in my step to boot.

People look to me because I'm organized. I teach my kids. I make my own bread. Brad says it is because of my confidence. I laugh at that because I rarely feel confident. The insecurities are real in my mind. I never wanted to be on a pedestal, it's freaking high up there on those things. I feel isolated up there. And I think others see me judging them. We are all different and have different strengths. I know teaching is one of my God-given gifts. I also know I'm a doer. Acts of service is how I love. If I do something for you, I love you! I do laundry. I do homeschooling. I do disciplining. This is how I love my family best. If you want to love me, do something on my ever growing Andi-do list or spend time with me. This is when I feel loved. I also love to organize. It is calming to me. I find joy when everything fits neatly together and everyone can easily find what they need. Cleaning on the other hand... If the dust bunnies in this house started an army, I would be toast. Although, I could organize their ranks! Note to self: check on cost of maid to sweep/dust once a week and the occasional scrub of the tub.

Seriously though, I cry when I think about the "standards" I seem to be setting for others around me. Pinterest is an amazing site. I find easy bread recipes and other amazeball ideas. But the site is overwhelming, it can drag a girl down to the point of beating herself up. I try not to compare myself because I am different than every other person on this planet. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others. The only standards we need to meet are the ones God has placed in our lives. There is nothing wrong with admiring other people. But when you start to compare, STOP. When you start to get down on yourself because others are "this" or "that," STOP. Say, "good for them, but that isn't me." When the guilt starts to set in that you aren't enough, STOP.

We need to give ourselves grace. 
We are only human. 

God hasn't asked us to live up to and beyond these ridiculous notions of the perfect woman. He asks us to love him and our neighbor. It is so simple, but super hard to live out. We need to fight against our sin nature, stop criticizing others, stop comparing and start loving. How do you give love? How do you receive love? What talents has God given you?

I wanted to take a few minutes to chat with you because I know I'm not alone in these feelings. I'm not the only one hearing lies. Know that YOU are not alone. I'm here wishing I could hold your hand and give you a big hug right now. And more importantly God is right there with you, right now! Listen to the truth he is whispering to you. In the midst of the lies, I'm trying to hang on to his truth.

Andi and Brad have been married since 2002. They have five squishers who keep them on their toes. She is a second generation home educator. In her spare time Andi creates and sells handmade goodies in her shop, Andi Gould Designs.

1 comment:

  1. Andi, I loved reading this. Thank you for your honesty in your feelings, and your transparency with your thoughts on what we all struggle with. I'll be praying for those lies to vanish and for God's word to reign in your heart and mind. I'm just a phone call away, you know :)

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~Andi